Friday, June 09, 2006

Big, Big Moron, Whatcha Gonna Do Today?

It was two years ago that my parents took me, my sister and Mike on an eating tour of Europe. It was on this vacation that my precious sister Liz was finally dubbed appropriately... We called her Big, Big Moron.

The specific incident which earned her this title was when she announced loudly while wandering the Ponte Vecchio "Look, guys, this is great. But really the only thing I care about on this trip is Prada." This was after several days of hanging out in the local McDonalds listening to rap while the rest of us viewed the worlds greatest art collections.

In all honesty, though, she’d been working her way up to the title her whole life. Liz always keeps us guessing, but the one thing you can almost always count on from her is stupidity.

Whether she’s talking about someone having an allergic erection, spitting her half chewed food out at a fancy dinner, asking the waiter at a Chinese restaurant if he has a thing called "salt", dropping her pants to examine her genitals in a public place, sharing some of her worldly views such as "I’m not saying I don’t believe in UFOs, I’m just saying I couldn’t possibly care less." Or asking if we’re STILL talking about the war, or just relaxing and rapping at you, you can always count on Liz to just demolish everything you thought you knew about over privileged girls from Scarsdale.

Mike an I co-authored a song in her honor that summer. The hook went like this: "Big, Big Moron, whatcha gonna do today? Big, Big Moron, what stupid shit will you say?" And we’d sing it on occasions of overwhelming vapidity.

I hadn’t thought much about that song until the other night when I was lucky enough to have dinner with Big Big and her boyfriend, Billy.

After molesting him and telling him to "kiss [his] wife hello", Big Big proceed to chant "Money, Money, Money, Money, PENIS." Over and over in a (successful) attempt to make my father uncomfortable.
The real highlight of the evening, however, came when she preformed her " Love You, Billy" song and dance at the dinner table.

CLICK ON THE BLUE QUESTION MARK below her picture to see the gruesome footage.

But be forewarned, it is NOT for the weak of heart.