Yesterday was a very special day for me. After years of training and
hard work, I was finally ready for the Olympics of dating.... going on
Elimidate.
Elimidate is the one where there's one guy and four girls (so like
life) and, round by round, he kicks them off until he is left with
only one. Of course my first question was if the guy ever asks if he
can just keep the best two or three. Apparently, every guy on the show
asks this question.
But this was no ordinary episode of Elimidate... oh no, this was a
pilot for a new reality show they're thinking about doing where a
bunch of chicks make over dorky guys a la Beauty and the Geek. So,
basically, I was being asked to compete with three vapid bimbos for
the amazing privilege of getting to date a total loser. Now, if living
in Manhattan for six years wasn't preparation for this, I don't know
what is.
unlike my last foray into the world of television dating, on this show
I got a "buddy", basically a personal assistant, to pick me up and
take me everywhere.
So this chick Genie picks me up at my apartment, and takes me out to
Queens, where they're doing the shoot. One of the main rules is that
Im not allowed to see the other contestants until we officially meet
on camera, so since they were shooting their opening interviews, Genie
and I went to the mall. I got some Starbucks, bought some shoes... I
felt like I had already won!
Finally I shoot my opening interview, talk about how Im going to kick
the other girls asses, blah blah blah. The producer happened to have
left his production notes sitting right by where I was filming, so,
being me, I waited for him to turn his back and then started leafing
through them. I find this sheet that says "Elimidate: Beauty and the
Geek". Underneath it has a "cast" list. It says: EVAN: Geeky guy.
ALENA: Ditzy blonde. MEGAN: Cutesy Asian. ALICIA (I think it was
Alicia): street smart edgy girl. CARMELA: Slutty bitch.
SLUTTY BITCH! Thats what it actually fucking said about me! That
really hurt my feelings, because I've always thought of my self as a
bitch first, and a slut second. Slutty bitch was a little harsher than
I expected, but I couldnt flip out about it without admitting to
rifling through private papers. I could just see them apologizing, and
then editing the sheet to say "Nosy, slutty bitch".
So, moments after this, I have to have my big onscreen meeting. I walk
over to the Salon, and see immediately that all of the other people
fit their descriptions exactly, which makes matters worse. We
introduce ourselves and start the makeover.
now, they make it immediately apparent to me that I am there to act my
part and keep the show interesting, which is always the job of the
token bitch. So, I try my best to make as many snide obnoxious
comments, but these girls are like sitting ducks. I almost felt bad
about telling them what ditzy ugs they were, but, hey, that's what I
do best.
Round one ends, and Evan votes Alicia or whatever her name is off the
show. Then they ask if were surprised by his choice. so I say "oh, was
she an actual contestant? I assumed she was just a decoy", the otehr
girls look at me in disgust, and scene.
Round two is the round where they decided I was being neither bitch
nor slutty enough, and thus fed me three glasses of wine.
In round two, we redress Evan in "cool" clothes (read: cheap crap from
H&M). As tipsy as Im getting, blondie is flat out plastered, so I'm
thinking shes not going to be any serious competition and I should
focus my energy on getting rid of Megan, who I start referring to on
camera as "Asian Barbie". So, that covered the "bitch" part, and when
Evan tried one his last outfit, I gave him a (somewhat tasteful) kiss
on the lips, which covered the "slut" part. Amazingly, this works and
Evan votes Megan off.
Then we took a brake for dinner, shots, and an outfit change! I
insisted that the entire production staff stand around while I tried
on eight different outfits, then vote on which made me look the
hottest. Once we had selected the best one, we shot the next round.
Round three was me and Alena taking Evan to a lounge filled with cheesy Guidos.
Now, Alena is wasted. This bitch is pretty much slurring her words,
and can barely walk. We get into the bar, and people start chanting
"pick the brunette!" so I immediately turn to the producer and say
"you're going to use that right? Where the drunk guys cheer for me?"
So, just incase they cut that.... you should know. The drunk old men
of Queens were huge fans.
They start filming and Evan says (obviously what he was told to say)
"Well, I feel so much more confident now, what I'd really like is a
little kiss." Blondie turns to me and slurs "you wanna go first?" and
I'm like "maybe we should each pick a cheek". So I give him a little
peck on the cheek, and this chick starts MAKING OUT WITH HIS FACE,
while I stare in faux shock. Then we all get up and dance. Blondies
just grinding on him, so I grab him, put his arms on my waist, and
show him how to dance with a non-drunken-slut (I know how to do this,
because I've seen friends do it in bars on occasion). Alena grabs him
and basically shoves her tongue down his throat.
Now, what am I supposed to do? I can't let her win that easily, but
even I can't suck face with this dork. So, I went with my instinct. I
grabbed Evan by the collar, spun him around, looked him straight in
the eye, and said as threateningly as possible "You. Pick. Me." And,
scene.
AND IT WORKED! HE PICKED ME! I WON! I WON ELIMIDATE!!
Evan picked me, he told me he liked me more than the three other girls
on the date,they handed me $100 in cash, and sent me home in a Benz.
Just like a real date!
This was such a life affirming experience for me. Mostly it affirmed
that what a guy really wants is a slutty bitch, and that my true
skills in life are insulting people, and getting loser guys to fall in
love with me. No big surprises there.
So, get psyched.... Carmela Dates For Dollars, The Sequel should be
airing this February during sweeps... Ill give you all a heads up so
you can see all the carnage first hand.
