Friday, July 14, 2006

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star Fucker

Yesterday, I said writing about celebrities I want to fuck was too trite for a blog entry. Today I say… oh my god, I can’t believe I’m at work again.

On that note… yesterday I compiled a well thought out and extensive list of celebrities I want to have sex with. I came up with the top 20 men and the top 20 women. My choices weren’t very popular, but than again they never are.

Personally, I’m not a big starfucker. I don’t go out of my way to be places where famous people hang out in hopes of a quickie in the VIP section. Let’s see….

I dated a guy who had fucked Tori Spelling, and I dated another guy who had fucked Yasmine Bleeth, and Mark Whalberg checked me out briefly once when I passed his table at Nobu (although whether it was with lust or repulsion is as of yet unconfirmed), and I once touched Daniel Day-Lewis’ ass at a party.

That’s about the full extent of my sexual encounters with fame. Oh, and I know a girl who got Chlamydia from Moby.

Regardless, in a perfect, consequence, commitment and status free parallel universe, I would ideally like to come home one day to the scene above.

My first two choices are Jeremy Piven and Liz Phair.

Jeremy is a pretty hot commodity these days, I know, but I don’t even want to have sex with Ari Gold Jeremy, I want to have sex with Spence Kovak Jeremy, Ellen Degeneres’ cousin on the Ellen Degeneres Show…. now THAT’S love.

Ok, I want want to have sex with Ari Gold Jeremy, too.

Liz Phair is like God to me. She’s beautiful, she’s funny, she’s talented and she writes the best music on earth. When I hear her songs, I realize she is in fact singing TO ME.

And it’s not like she’s singing “Oooh, some guy broke my heart and now I’m sad, la la la” It’s more like “Hey Carmela, get off your ass and go to Duane Reade, you're out of shampoo.” Not literally, but with that level of accuracy.

She is the only woman I would break my No Moms Ever rule for.

My second choices are Christina Ricci and Vince Vaughn.

Vince is obvious. I like him thin, fat, young, old, single, dating horse face, whatever. I would most like to do Norman Bates Vince, because he’s totally hot and totally creepy… my favorite combo.

Christina Ricci I would actually rather become than have sex with, but I’d settle. I love her. I act like her. On good days I look like her. See that outfit she’s wearing? I own that outfit. Plus, I know she’d want to go to Starbucks afterwards, and maybe check out the new line at Betsey Johnson.

My third choices are Jessica Sutta (the hot/goth Pussycat doll) and Timothy Olyphant (the drug dealer who ends up with Katie Holmes in Go). Nothing personal there, I just think they’re really hot.

Ideally, I’d like to meet with all of them for a giant orgy one night at the W Union Square.

Or maybe Morgans.

No! The Maritime!

Totally The Maritime.

For sure.