Wednesday, August 16, 2006

When I Was Your Age, I Was 30

Let me tell you something about teenagers... they ain't makin em like they used to.

Last night was my first time tutoring for the SATs... which means it was my first time being around a 17 year old girl... pretty much since I was one.

I remember being that age very clearly... and I was at least twice as old as this girl. I couldn't believe what 17 looks like to an "adult"... she seemed like she was about four, four and a half... maybe about a year past teething. The thought of someone that age driving a car... let alone... ew, oh my god, it blew my fucking mind.

Plus, it was surreal how little she knew about anything. She seemed like a fairly smart girl too, well spoken and intelligent looking, but it was as if she only had, like, 17 years worth of knowledge or something. The things she didn't know could have filled a book! A giant book called "Pretty Much Everything You Need to Know to Do Well on the SATs".

Now, I KNOW there is no way I was like that at her age, because I distinctly remember feeling very old and mature. And people used to tell me how mature I was for my age all the time! Ok, yes, most of them were trying to justify having sex with me, but still.

Paradoxically, these days I'm actually much younger than I was at 17.

When this chicks mother started asking me about admission standards "way back when" I was applying to colleges, I wanted to scream "What 'way back when'? That, like, JUST HAPPENED, bitch!"

Yes, it's true, I still thought I'd live forever, and I had yet to experience the joy of my first worry line, and I knew nothing about "watching my carbs"... in fact, as far as I was concerned, a "carb" was merely the part of the bowl you put your finger over when you inhaled.

And I mean, sure Britney Spears was still claiming to be a virgin, and the "big scary thing" threatening America wasn't terrorists it was Y2K, and no one under the age of 30 had a cell phone and people still got AIDS... but it wasn't THAT long ago... right? RIGHT?!?

I'm still young! I'm still hip! I swear to god! I'm on Myspace for Christ's sake!

And I like, totally loved that show that was on MTV when I was at the gym the other day... I think it was called "Pubescent Girls Make Out With Each Other and Then Giggle" or something. And I love that new Justin Timberlake song "Great Neck" or whatever... and don't even get me started on how much I love the Kitty-cat Dolls. And I'm totally up to date with what's in right now... it's, uh, razor scooters, yeah? Oh, and trucker hats!

Ultimately, this tutoring session opened my eyes to a very harsh reality that's still hard for me to fully accept, as I know it will be for my peers. But given the rude awakening I experienced last night, I can no longer deny the cold, hard facts:

The United States government has been adding some sort of viral agent to the water supply. This toxin seems to stunt the physical growth and emotional maturity of all those born after 1981. I don't have any more information at this time, but I will be diligently pursuing this issue... right after my mid afternoon nap.

There. I said it.