Thursday, October 26, 2006

Executive Search and Destroy

After spending years at emotionally and intellectually dissatisfying jobs, and a few harsh, grueling months being unemployed, I can finally say I have found... yet another sucky job of death.

This time I’m working for a small Executive Search Company. What is executive search, you ask? That’s exactly what they asked me on my interview. My response was "Well, I’m not really sure, but I do know that I’ve spent the majority of my adult life searching for executives, so I’ll probably be pretty good at it." Miraculously, they still hired me.

An executive search, as it turns out, is pretty much like the business version of Home-wrecking. A company comes to you and says "Hey, I want some new executives." And you say "Ok, how about this nice guy right out of college?" and they say "No, I want someone with lots of experience... someone who knows how to CEO me juuuuust right. Someone like that guy who’s the SVP of marketing for my competitor!" and you say "Oh no, Mr. Giant Conglomerate Sir, but he seems so happy over there with your competitor!" and they say "Yes! He WILL be mine!"

So then you hide outside of the candidates office, and when he leaves work for the day, you corner him in a dark alley and say "I know you THINK you’re happy with that boring old company you’ve been with for decades, but imagine how much happier you would be with this shiny NEW company that would love you and appreciate you in a way your old company never did!" etc, etc. Eventually, they all cave.

Fun as that sounds, this is probably the most boring job I’ve ever had. On top of this my boss is a cunt. A divorced Jewish shrew fast approaching middle age who likes to talk about her kid and ponder why she doesn’t have a man in her life. My ABSOLUTE FAVORITE kind of person in the world do deal with, let alone work for.

Today she told me to dress more conservatively. This is absolutely inconceivable. If I were dressed any more conservatively, I would be wearing a fucking bonnet. Short of running out after work and picking up some bloomers, I really don’t know how I could dress any more conservatively than I do right now.

I think the problem is I’m wearing the right stuff, it just refuses to look conservative on me. Were anyone else to wear the outfit I’m wearing today, they would look like a white collar corporate worker. On me, however, corporate clothing looks like a costume I’ve thrown on for some S&M mean boss / naughty worker roll play. NOT my fault.

I dread coming in every morning. I cry when I have to get out of bed. Not just because of how much the job blows (which, I assure you, it does, massively) but because it’s really not much worse than any other job I could have right now.

Everyone tells you to think of the things you love doing, and then find a way to make money doing them. Ok, let’s try that model... what do I love doing?

I love spending the night in pricey hotels. I love getting wasted. I love having sex. I love being given tons of cash. And I LOVE seducing shady business men trapped in unfulfilling marriages.

Hmmm. I WONDER what a good job would be for me??

Let’s really brainstorm and see if we can’t come up with something.