Ahh Halloween... my favorite holiday of the year. Growing up, I couldn’t WAIT for Halloween to arrive. When strangers would scream at me “Hey, it’s not Halloween yet!”
I would be deeply saddened by the truth of their statement. Then, I’d give them the finger.
This year I'm in a particularly festive mood, since Big Big has informed me that her sorority sisters think I'm a witch. I imagine to them "witch" means, any girl who does not show the appropriate level of love for shopping wholesale and does not carry her own supply of Splenda with her at all times. Kind of like when my sister was telling me about a friend of hers from school and described her as "you know... a real free spirit... but not, like, a lesbian or anything."
Despite my deep love for this holiday, I’ve had mostly sucky Halloweens...
2005: Too broke to buy a new costume, I reuse my naughty nurse get-up for the zillionth time. A bad Halloween season in general; despite the fact that I was dating three, count ‘em THREE, guys with kids, I still had to go see Harry Potter with Muffin. That is FUCKED up.
2004: Attend a Halloween party at the restaurant of my at the time roomie. Too broke to buy a costume, I go as a slutty French maid, since I just happen to have that outfit lying around. Have to sneak out to the party because Tony won’t let me leave the house after 9:00 PM unattended. Dating him was kind of like being a Muslim.
2003: Living in Williamsburg, in the House That Release Built. Forced to host a Halloween party in my home against my will. Dress as Liz Phair to meet the required Rock Star theme. Spend the whole evening being hit on by some cute guy who came dressed as Elliot Smith (although everyone thought he was supposed to be Eminem. The serrated knife through the heart was a dead giveaway, I thought). I go to use the bathroom, and when I come back, Alabaster is making out with him. To make matters worse, Al didn’t even go home with that guy, he went home with a guy who came dressed as a beaver, which I thought was pretty ironic.
2002: Dragged by Crazy Ho to some party out in Brooklyn. Go as Miss Congeniality because that was back when people kept telling me I looked like Sandra Bullock. Got obscenely drunk and made out with a Jewish investment banker dressed as Santa Claus. That made for some interesting blackmail Polaroids.
2001: Ed and I dressed as Sally and Jack from The Nightmare Before Christmas. The costumes took four hours to put together, and in the end, Ed refused to go to the parade because he was convinced it would be bombed by terrorists. Which, sadly, it was not.
That’s as far back into my sorted Halloween past as I can (or care to) remember. Hopefully, this year will be a nice turnaround. I have an awesome costume... and after my CVS run to pick up some essentials (mini candy bars, Gillette refills), I’ll at least have an outside shot of not crying myself to sleep this year.
