Saturday, May 19, 2007
Big Big Graduates!
Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday when Big Big was drooling on hreself and crawling around on the floor. But I guess that must have been at least a year ago since I just witnessed her graduate from college.
Now, this was a major event for the family Machiato, since to be honest, none of us really expected her to graduate to solid foods, let alone graduate from a real college with a great GPA. In honor of the event, a massive caravan of Machiatos and extended family members trecked up to Syracuse for the event. Knowing I would be spending time not only with Big Big, but also with a coupler dozen of her absolute total complete best best friends in the world forever and ever, also known as theotehr members of Sigma Delta Nosejob, I brought along a pad of paper and a pen in hopes of jotting down all the vapid comments I overheard. A week later, I've mostly recovered from the Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, and can type again.
It's hard to pick a favorite. Was it when Biggy gave us a tour of the Syracuse campus, first showing us all of her friends sorority houses, then gesturing towards a seperate off-campus dorm and saying "That's where the poor people live. Oh... and the athletes. So.... pretty much the black people."?
Was it when she regaled us with tales of explaining to one of her 'sisters' that no, it doesn't need to be hot outside for dogs to get pregnant... that's not what being 'in heat' means?
Was it when we arrived at her house and a room mate ran into the room, eyes aglow and declared "Oh my god you guys! You will NEVER believe what just happened!! Tiffany's mom came over, and I asked her if she was hot, and she said she was actually a little cold!!!!!" That's it. that was the whole story.
For me, it was when Biggy visited the hotel/casino where we were staying and came over to the blackjack table where our cousin Janey was attempting to explain the rules to me. The dealer at this table happened to be this giant butch lesbian. So Janey asks Big Big how she did this semester, and she says in her usual Long-Island-Loud tone "I did ok, aside from this one class and that's just because the teacher was this giant lesbian bitch." At this point, the deal stops shuffling cards and glares at her. I flinch, lean in, and whisper "Big, the dealer can hear you." She looks over at the dealer, looks at me in utter confusion, leans in and says "So? Why would he care?"
Oh Big Big... she will finally know the joys of being a college graduate. All the intellectual rewards (afternoons free to watch Oprah), the myriad job opportunities (stripping and/or waiting tables) and best of all, all the doorways a college degree opens up (namely the doors to graduate school, or the doors to the employees lounge at McDonalds).
Posted by Carmela Machiato at 9:20 PM