Friday, January 30, 2009

A Good Nights Sleep

In my 27 years on earth, I have woken up to some pretty fucked up scenes.

Ive woken up in the street, I’ve woken up in my parents front yard in a wig and a bathrobe, Ive woken up in the lost and found of airports in foreign cities. If you live long enough and drink hard enough, its almost inevitable that this happens to you. Often, I cant remember how I got there... but usually if I try hard enough, look around, and listen to the full police report, I can more or less piece together my evening.

This morning was a landmark moment for me. Try as I might, I can not for the life of me figure out what the hell I did last night. What kind of crazy night did I have to blackout to this degree, you ask? I had a few cocktails, came home around 10, made some tea and took an Ambien.

One fucking Ambien. A five fucking milligram Ambien. I have NEVER once blacked out like this before in my life. I remember more about the evening I drank so much I thought it was a good idea to snort a crushed Aspirin.

The last thing I remember was sitting down on the couch to watch the Daily Show. The next thing I remember is waking up at 4:00 am, fully clothed, in bed, COMPLETELY covered from head to toe in chocolate and marzipan (neither of which I was aware I had in the apartment). Confused as hell, I got up, stripped the sheets, took a shower, and did a load of laundry in the middle of the night. Then I went back to sleep.

When I woke up at 9:00 this morning (after several hours of restless sleep filled with sexual nightmares and profuse sweating out of only ONE of my armpits), I was still totally confused about the dessert orgy I had apparently decided to have. It was the oddest thing I had ever woken up to... that is, until I walked out into the living room.

Some time between taking the Ambien and waking up covered in candy, I had apparently 1) taken a vegetable peeler and used it to finely slice an entire block of cheese which I did not eat. 2) unplugged all of the wiring on the television speaker 3) called a guy I dated YEARS ago four times at 1:00 AM, each time for exactly 17 seconds according to my blackberry 4) read (or attempted to read, since I found the book on the kitchen table) Nietzsche’s Beyond Good and Evil, and best of all 4) probably made some misguided attempt to do the dishes, but possibly urinated in the dishwasher.

Apparently Ambien puts ME to sleep, but awakens the performance artist in me.

After several hours of cleaning, Ive mostly undone the damage of my sleep escapades, and am now crawling back into a freshly cleaned bed. So let this be a warning to you all: Ambien is the most dangerous drug known to man kind.