Friday, June 23, 2006

Boyfriend Land

Yesterday I was told that I have “gone to the dark side”.

This came as quite a shock to me, as I always kind of assumed I had started off on the dark side to begin with. But no, it’s worse than I thought. This time, I'm told, I’ve REALLY gone to the dark side…. to the dreaded Boyfriend Land.

Now, I of course categorically deny this. First of all, I do not have a boyfriend.

I am a lone wolf.

I walk alone.

Yes, I may be in a monogamous relationship with someone who makes me really happy and whom I spend inordinate amounts of my free time with and think about constantly and totally love, but does that make him my boyfriend? Um, I don’t think so. He is simply another lone wolf, who happens to walk kind of near me sometimes.

Boyfriend Land is a little too far into the dark side for me. I would never go there, not even for an afternoon picnic. Not even if they were having a really fun party there and I could take my own car.

Boyfriend Land is a terrifying place, filled with scary people. It’s kind of like Harlem.

People have occasionally tried to trick me into going there. They make it sound all fun and exciting like "Hey Carm, let's go to Boyfriend Land! It'll be really fun, we'll hang out with other couples and finnish each other's sentences and stuff!" But then we get there, and it's just a bunch of codependent weirdoes and I'm not allowed to stay out late our wear anything low cut.

Sometimes they pull the old bait and switch. "Oh, no, Boyfriend Land? Not for us... just get in the car, we're just going for a fun little ride to the country! No where near Boyfriend Land!" It's kind of like what they do to dogs when they're trying to trick them into going to the vet. Not falling for THAT one again!

Also, Boyfriend Land is just a train stop away from Husbandville. Now I may have cruised through Husbandville late at night on occasion when I wanted to get laid, but I wouldn’t be caught dead there in the light of day.

I like to think of it as having a nice, rent stabilized place in Singles Town that I will never sell, but I still spend most of my time indoors rather than participating in the nightly keggers and weekly orgies.

Singles Town is an anything goes kind of place. As a lone wolf, it’s really the only option for me. In Boyfriend Land, they try to domesticate us. If I just wander a little too close to the county line, next think you know I’ll be de-clawed and housebroken and wearing one of those gay little cardigans.

In Husbandville they just shoot us on sight.

As a lone wolf, sometimes even Singles Town is a little too restrictive for me. I prefer to roam the wilderness alone, howling at the moon and what have you. And by “wilderness” I mean the mall. And by “howling at the moon”, I pretty much mean drinking Starbucks.