Sunday, June 18, 2006

Happy Father's Day.

Is there any more loathsome holiday in American culture than Father’s Day? No, there isn't.

And I’m not just saying that because it’s a total fucking waste of a perfectly good Sunday, nor is it because I know for certain that I’ll never be able to get a date on this day, I really think the entire day is just ludicrous in theory.

What are we really celebrating here? Hey, way to not feel like pulling out.

Shouldn’t you really be honoring and showing love for your father, like, EVERY day? But this is America, and we like to create empty spectacles, and then be neglectful indefinitely.

My father, mercifully, has chosen to celebrate Father’s Day by revisiting the parenting techniques he perfected in my youth... and getting as far the hell away from from our family as humanly possible while still remaining on planet Earth.

He’s in Japan. What is he doing there? None of us knows.

Fortunately, this means Im being freed from my daughterly obligations and can spend the day tanning as god intended. Surprisingly, my mother chose not to celebrate Fathers Day by making me and my sister come home and have a depressing dinner where she could tell us about how much our father loved us, although he failed to ever say so. At least that would be more traditional for us, if not festive.

If I had it my way, Mother’s and Father’s Days would both be replaced with Desperate Last Ditch Attempt To Save A Failing Marriage Day, and you wouldn’t have to buy anyone presents at all.