Wednesday, August 16, 2006

3 Days, 2 Nights, 1 Nut

From (11.20.05)

**Some names have been changed to protect the innocent, namely me, from being sued for defamation of character.**

I just got back from my weekend in Buenos Aries, and I just wanted to "hola" at all of you....
Ok, sorry for the obscenely cheesy pun, but it should give you some idea of what I've been subjected to for the past three days.

Things started out well enough; I medicated myself into a mild coma for the 11 hour flight out. Things took a turn for the worse when I landed and realized that NO ONE in Argentina speaks any english, aside from the words "tip please", and I of course dont speak a word of housekeeper, so just finding a cab to take me to the hotel was a ridiculous hassle. Not to mention that Bush was in town, so there was a huge protest on every street corner, with firecrackers going off and big groups of angry young people screaming about something; their hatred for Bush I imagine.

When I finally got to the room, I was psyched because --- wasn't there and I got to adjust to my new surroundings, i.e. jump up on the king size bed screaming "Hotel! Suite! Room Service! Yay!" and pocketing all the hotel stationary and pens.

Then, --- came back from his conference on international trade, or civil liberties or whatever he does. He looked pretty good, although a little worn out from a month traveling the world doing whatever his job is. The problems started when he greeted me with "Hi Sweetie! I told my coworkers I had to leave early because my girlfriend had just flown in to see me!" Rather than point out the obvious problems with this statement, I just smiled and nodded.

--- wanted to immediately go sightseeing all over the freakin' city. Now, when I agreed to this vacation of death, I was informed that --- would be in meetings all day, while I would be spending my afternoons all valiumed up on shopping sprees... you know, just like marriage! But NO, --- had passed on all of his meetings for the weekend so he could spend all of his time with me.

Buenos Aires is a lovely state or whatever, because there arent any Shvas! Theres lots of expensive shops and tons of good expensive food. I took a lot of cheesy pictures and had lots of pretty presents bought for me. However, everything I wanted to buy for myself, --- told me was "weird". I'm sorry, what exactly is weird about a skull necklace, or spider earrings?? He also told me I was weird for buying Maxim to read on the plane, telling him I thought it was hot when he yelled at the concierge, and suggesting Barely Legal 4 when he told me to pick a movie. Hello! Obviously I'm weird, were I a normal girl would I be hanging out with a 41 year old? Um, no!

Aside from that fact that I wasn't White Wonder Bread enough for poor ---, I had a good time with him. We went to lots of markets and lots of nice restaurants, and a cool art museum, some fun tango shows. Plus the weather was really nice and sunny everyday.

Activities aside, my days with --- were spent...

A) having our vacation compared to the last vacation he took to Buenos Aires, with his ex-wife, something any girl would love to hear about, in infinite, griping detail, and B) being introduced to myriad friends and coworkers like this "This is my girlfriend Carmela, SHE'S 23." I was surprised he even got my name in there. He may as well have said "Hey, this is a hot 23 year old....and IM DATING HER!" It was like being 23 was some amazing magic trick I could do. This is Carmela, she can juggle, breathe flames, and be 23! Not to even the girlfriend "issue" he was having.

Of course, --- had a picture of the ex on his computer which I found when I went through his personal files while he showered. Um, I mean, which he showed me. The good news is, Im way hotter. The bad news is, she's way skinnier. 100 tops (In other news, I also saw a picture of ***'s ex who I am also hotter than, at least in the picture I saw, however, she has D cups. Either way, I'm way way younger than either of them, and thus, I obviously win.)

The final insult was on the plane when (thank god) we we're assigned seats far away from each other. Of course --- went out of his way to try and arrange that we could sit together, which he finally managed to do, and to which I responded by taking a valium, xanex, ambian, nyquil cocktail that knocked me unconscious by take off. I came to only once, mid flight to discover ---, completely curled up in his seat, with HIS FREAKIN HEAD IN MY LAP. I screamed in horror, but fortunately he was too heavily sedated to wake up.

All in all, not a bad trip...better than the comp vacay to Atlantic City I scored from the last sucker, but not as good as the holiday in Paris I have dedicated myself to landing ASAP.