(From Mother's Day, 2006)
The beautiful weather and general joy of Monday morning has inspired me to create a new national holiday.
Its for everyone for whom motherhood just didnt seem like the best idea.
All my "spending the weekend with family in Jersey" girls, all my "grab a quick pack of Plan B on my way to class" chicks... all my old school RU-486 ladies, this is a day for you.
Unlike Mothers Day, when youre forced to waste a perfectly good Sunday with your family, being force fed mountains of overpriced food, IWSETGAA Day is spent at your job. You dont get flowers, you dont get cards, you definitely dont get a party. Then, after work, maybe you pop a valium, chain smoke, asnd listen to Ben Folds Five "Brick" on repeat for a couple of hours till you pass out.
That may not sound like its as much fun as Mothers Day- although, to be honest, it does to me- the real celebration comes every other day of the rest of the year when you dont have to tend to your spawn, and you get to not have stretch marks all over your body and a big, gaping, tore-up vag.
And isnt that really the best present of all?
What is this "Mother's Day" charade anyway? Aside from Fathers Day, it's the worst day of the whole year.
Dont get me wrong; I love my mother. She brought me into this world, but for the most part Ive forgiven her and grown to love her deeply.
When I was 17 and working in Haagen Dazs, I had to work one Mothers Day. It was the best Mothers Day of my life. I made overtime for working, and I got to watch hoards of reticent fathers dragging their whiny spawn in and out of the store to buy ice cream cakes for their already porky wives. I was all alone, I was stoned all day and I was surrounded by ice cream, just like my mother would have wanted. It was awesome.
But now, Ive got nothing. I never have to work on Mothers Day. Everyone Ive dated for years has to spend it with his babys mama (as I assume will be the case once again this year, though Im being told otherwise). Im forced to spend it with my crazy family, listening to the story of my birth, and my sisters birth for the zillionth time.
I have to spend money on flowers that die in a week, and waste money on a card which is inevitably insincere since Hallmark doesnt make any Mom, thanks for footing all my rehab bills, paying for my shrink and always showing up for my court hearings cards.
This year, Im going to wise up and get so wasted on Saturday night that the whole day goes by in a hung over blur.
Fucking Mothers Day, man. My holiday is much better. If I-Was-Smart-Enough-To-Get-An-Abortion Day isn't recognized as a national holiday... maybe I'll petition for a more "family friendly" I-Was-Smart-Enough-To-Use-A-Condom Day. Who wouldn't support that?
