So here it is, another boring-as-fuck Wednesday at my job of death, and I’ve resorted to my favorite slow morning activity; cruising Craigslist personal ads.
I would never respond to any of these ads myself because, well…. ew.
Fortunately, trolling the internet for potential three way partners falls under the job category of boyfriend… and since mine seems to have a preternatural skill for finding promiscuous women on the internet (hence the genisis of our entire relationship), this task is never left to me.
No, this is strictly about satisfying a morbid curiosity. What I love about Craigslist is that you really have to read between the lines of each posting to understand what’s being said. It’s like an entirely different langue only a select few speak. Fortunately, they offered a class on this at NYU, so I can help you out with some of the fundamentals.
Let’s take a look at some of this morning’s posts together, shall we?
25 YR OLD COLLEGE GUY HERE, (25 years old and still in college? Hmmm) GOTTA GIRL SO GOTTA KEEP THIS ON THE DL (that's one lucky lady), WANT TO TRADE HANDJOBS WITH ANOTHER GUY LIKE ME, SORRY... NO GAY DUDES (oh, he wants a STRAIGHT guy to jerk him off... of course! That whole 25-and-still-in-college thing is starting to make way more sense) MIGHT WANT TO TRY SUCKING, BUT PROBABLY JUST JERKING OFF. (Good call, 'cause THAT might be kind of gay)
IF YOU'VE EVER FANTASIZED ABOUT WATCHING A MAN MASTURBATE IN PUBLIC, TODAY IS YOUR CHANCE! (as is any day you ride the G train). WE CAN MEET IN A PUBLIC PARKING LOT, I PLEASURE MYSELF, YOU WATCH, I CUM, YOU DRIVE OFF, NO NAMES, NO SPEAKING, NO STRINGS ATTACHED (does this kind of event really require this level of planning? Hey buddy, ever hear of a "playground"??)
I'M GOING TO THE BORGATA HOTEL AND CASINO IN ATLANTIC CITY TONIGHT.(promising so far) I HAVE A SUITE AND WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A GOOD LUCK CHARM BY MY SIDE (and don't have the cash to pay for one of the "good luck charms" who hang around the casinos). I PROMISE WE'LL HAVE THE TIME OF ARE LIVES. (the time of ARE lives? Rich AND brilliant, my favorite combination!)
MY GF ALWAYS THINKS I'M CHEATING ON HER. I'VE NEVER CHEATED ON HER EVER NOR DO I GIVE HER THE IMPRESSION THAT I EVER WOULD (this posting aside) BUT NOW IT'S GONE TOO FAR, TO PROVE IM NOT CHEATING ON HER SHE WANTS TO GET MARRIED. (I think we can all see the logic there) I TOLD HER YES, THAN FOUND OUT SHE CHEATED ON ME AT THE START OF OUR RELATIONSHIP. IN RETALIATION I WANT TO SLEEP WITH A GIRL HOTTER THAN HER. HELP ME GET REVENGE. (See, this is exactly why 18 year olds shouldn't get married. Or have sex. Or be allowed to live.)
ARE YOU A YOUNG, FIT, SEXY ASIAN FEMALE WHO NEEDS SEXUAL EXCITEMENT AND ASSISTANCE? (I MEAN WITH MONEY) (as opposed to meaning assistance with spelling things, and opening pickle jars?) 38 YEAR OLD, RECENTLY DIVORCED, FIT, 6'2" (46 year old, pudgy, 5'8", still married) ITALIAN SEEKING VERY DISCREET WEEKDAY ENCOUNTERS.
I AM A STR8 GUY LOOKING TO GIVE HEAD TO A STR8 OR BI DUDE. (even if the contents of this post didn't tell you that this guy is 100% gay, I think the fact that uses the words "str8" and "dude" would have been dead giveaways.) OR U CAN JERK OFF WHILE WATCHIN PORN AND NUT IN MY FACE. (what straight man wouldn't want that?)
I NEED TO HAVE SOME FUN AFTER A ROUGH DIVORCE. (and by "fun" I mean I'll probably cry a lot during sex) 32 YEAR OLD FEMALE, NO KIDS. (37 year old female, no kids..... aside from Samantha) COUPLES ONLY! (Because what will really cheer me up after a divorce is watching a happy couple with an exciting sex life. Really makes you wonder what went wrong in her marriage.)
DOMINANT MALE SEEKS FEMALE SLAVE TO USE AND ABUSE. I AM DRUG AND DISEASE FREE (unless you count weed... or herpes) MUST CALL ME SIR AT ALL TIMES, NEVER LOOK ME IN THE EYE, AND BE VERY SUBMISSIVE. YOU MUST BE ABLE TO HOST. (Because I live at home with my Jewish wife or mother, and if she even knew I was so much as using the computer without her permission, oh boy...)
If you do choose to navigate the choppy waters of internet dating, I hope you'll find this guide helpful. Oh, and most importantly, always keep in mind that "looking for a down to earth girl" roughly translates to "I have absolutely no money whatsoever."
