Friday, August 04, 2006

My Small, Thin Greek Buddy

Looking over my posts this morning, it dawned on me that, while I've dedicated a post to almost every major character on The Carmela Show, I've overlooked a few key players. One such oversight was my dear friend, Muffin.

Muffin is very well mannered, she loves puppies and babies and kittens and bunnies, and she always chews with her mouth closed. Also, she's Greek, so although she has a normal first name, her middle name is Aschkazooblahblah or something like that.

When I used to go on dates and I didn't think "being myself" was going to cut it... I made a conscious effort to act like Muffin; all dainty and polite and sweet with really well maintained eyebrows.

When I first met Muffin though, she wasn't anything like that. We were in the same house in middle school together, and I silently worshipped her. Not in a creepy-pseudo-sexual-pre-lesbian kind of way... more like in a really-sweet-and-endearing-pseudo-sexual-pre-lesbian kind of way.

Muffin was just way cooler than everyone else. She had highlights before any of us even knew what highlights were, and she wore lipstick... AND lipliner.

We ended up in Mr. Flisser's study hall together, and the rest is history. We'd hang out at the Galleria on weekends and go shopping at G+G together. This is back when baby tees were in, so we'd spend hours picking out the cutest ones. Muffin was an "early bloomer", which meant that she'd get cat called everywhere we went.... which totally blew my 12 year old mind. I was insanely jealous. Plus, Muffin always had a boyfriend. Her turn around was about a week. She was like god to me.

Then one sad day, it all stopped. Out of the blue, Muffin decided to start acting like a born again Christian. No more boys, no more lipstick, no more inappropriate tee shirts... it all just ended out of the blue. It was horrible. We stayed friends, but it was never the same.

Muffin kept that act up for a solid decade. She became the voice of reason. A love of babies and puppies developed out of nowhere. She was the friend I turned to for sobering advice, the friend I had to be nice to, the friend who didn't make a habit of contracting STDs. In fact, from her precocious start, by the end of college I could count the number of people she had slept with on my fingers... with one hand... using two fingers.

We all thought the old Muffin was dead and gone, and then one wonderful day we realized... she had just been laying dormant this whole time! That was the day she nailed her boss.

She had kind of been leading up to it for a while... skank dancing while wasted, a drunken makeout session with me on New Years, but nothing had prepared us for this.

She didn't just nail her boss, she nailed her boss who was married, whose wife was 8 months pregnant with their second child. I was so excited. I think I was more excited than she was. I cried. This wonderful part of my youth had been miraculously resurrected. It was like if they had put Alf back on the air... only better.

Of course, she had to be all Muffiny about it and start liking him and shit, which all but ruined the beauty of the affair. But, beggars can't be choosers. I take what I can get.

She still chews with her mouth closed and the days of Wet N' Wild lip liner are far behind us... but I see a bright future for Muffin. One filled with manners and bunny rabbits and babies... but also filled with cock.