Friday, August 25, 2006

Toys 'R Us

When I spent a week in Amsterdam with Alabaster two summers ago, he woke me up at 2:00 in the morning to share with me this drug addled epiphany: "most people have either two, or three children".

Did that require waking me before dawn to share? I don't think so, personally, but ultimately it is a fairly astute observation. Here's an even more frustrating one that dawned on me recently: all the best products are geared towards those children... from your teens on basically everything on the market for you sucks.

I think the best example is toys. Remember how much fun it was to get a shiny new toy when you were a kid? How few things bring out that level of enthusiasm in adulthood? I distinctly remember the joy I felt when my mother would come home from work with a new shiny, brightly colored contraption for me to play with.... generally, I just waited until she wasn't looking and then flung them at her head... but the point is, they brought me so much happiness.

I guess in part it's because children are so easily amused. Pretty much anything gets them going. This weekend in the hamptons, I watched as countless children literally FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT over ice cream. Ice cream, people! Frozen freaking milk! You would have thought it was the second coming of Christ the way those little retards were carrying on.

I suppose when I was there age I felt the same way. I remembered going for ice cream with my father as a small child. “Daddy! Daddy! Can I have some ice cream?!?” I would beg. “Sure, Carm... Just don’t pick the flavor that’s poisoned.” Perhaps it was slightly harsh, but it certainly took the mindless enthusiasm out of the event.

Regardless of how easily amused they are, I don’t think it’s fair that all the best products be marketed to a demographic that still wets it’s pants.

What about me and my needs? I still want shiny new toys. I want something marketed with my specific demographic in mind. I want a young adult Barbie whose hair I can dye black, who comes with a pack of cigarettes and a tattoo kit. I want a battery operated plastic mini-Benz. I’m not too proud to drive around in it, I’m really not. How about something simple like an Easy-Bake Starbucks making set?

It’s tragic that in the world we live in “adult toys” are synonymous with sex toys. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex toys, but there should be so many other options. The feeling of joy I get when I purchase a new Lil’ Dolphin Vibrator with free pack of AAAs, while wonderful in it’s own right, just isn't the same.