Monday, August 28, 2006

Menage A Blah

Today my mother and I discussed kinky sex over lunch.

We’re blasé Jews from Scarsdale, and that’s just how we roll. Plus, it’s a fairly effective appetite suppressant.

Ever since I was about 18 or so, my mom’s been letting little tidbits about her wild youth slowly slip out over the years.

My favorite was when she told me how when her and my dad started dating, she took him to an orgy. They had to leave though because there were more men than women and my mother didn't think enough attention be paid to her, and my father was unhappy with the appetizer selection.

I think that pretty much accounts for the entirety of my personality.

Anyway, my mother basically admitted to trying an experiment with me and my sister. With me, she told me the “truth”: that sex was fun. Especially when it involved anonymity and or drugs. Apparently, she wasn't so happy with how that worked out, so with Big Big, she took the more parental approach, and just told her you could get AIDS from someone with AIDS looking at you.

Big Big subsequently grew up to compulsively wash her entire body with Purell at fifteen minute intervals and brining her own silverware to restaurants. And I grew up to be.... me.

It’s not like I’m a nympho... I can have and have had several long term, monoton....uh, I mean monogamous relationships, some for years. But to be fair, now that I know that a relationship can encompass sex with strangers and still be functional and fulfilling, I don’t think I could ever go back.

When you’re dating someone who likes shopping, you go shopping together, right? Well, why should’nt the same apply to anonymous sex? Sure, it leads to complications... like the time Anoosh got bored in the middle of a threeway and eventually just sat on the edge of the bed, watching us and eating Pringles. That was an all time new low for me.

For the most part though, it’s worked out for the best. You get to meet lots of exciting and interesting new people... and have sex with them! What could be better?

The main problem, as it turns out, isn’t jealousy or self loathing... it’s boredom. It was all fun and games at first... we met one really quality chick... hot, young, smart, fun, good in bed... who allowed Anoosh to indulge his mid life crisis and I my narcissism, simultaneously. It was awesome. Tragically, she eventually found a boyfriend and that was the end of that.

Finding a quality couple, let alone single woman, is actually a lot harder than one would imagine. I’m too lazy and easily distracted to dedicate the kind of energy to the pursuit that is required, which means that Anoosh spends the majority of his time cruising the internet in search of a person or persons who don’t make me gag on site... which are few and far between.

This means that all I had to contribute to the lunch time conversation today was that Anoosh and I spend wild evenings at his place.... where he stares at Craigslist and I fall asleep watching Miami Vice reruns. Pretty edgy stuff, I know.

So, you know, with that in mind.... please do keep us in mind for any threeway needs that may arise in your future. A little about us?

He is a 30 something (the “something” being an extra 10), with carmel skin (since he’s half terrorist) and rugged good looks. She (meaning me) is a twenty something (24, look 30) very laid back (in fact, I’m laying back as we speak) beauty with an athletic build (no chest and thighs only a black man could love).

Do drop us a line, won’t you? Otherwise... we’ll really have to scrape the bottom of the barrel,’cause giving up just isn’t an option.

It’s not that I’m incapable of only having sex with one person... it’s just that..... ugh, why?

I mean, If Anoosh and I could only have sex with each other, that would be like punishing us for being in love with each other.

And I think we’d both agree that just being in love with each other is punishment enough.