Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Labor Day (It's a Holiday)

Just Like Fergie says in “Labor Day (It's a Holiday)”... “ lets get it goin cuz we know we gon celebrate cuz its a holiday”. I think that sums up the spirit of this beautiful holiday perfectly.

I'm pretty sure it does... actually, I have no idea what that crazy shva lover is talking about half the time, but it’s a good song regardless.

Anyway, Labor day is an important holiday for all of us as Americans because it celebrates the historic day when... someone... stopped working... or went into labor.... or something.

To me, labor day means one thing... pig races.

That’s why I was so happy to have been invited to the Sanchez household in Copake this year; it allowed to celebrate Labor Day in a truly meaningful way. The last time I went to Alabaster's house upstate it was to ring in the new millennium. The heat took hours to kick in so I developed frost bite since I was wearing open toed heels, and there wasn't a TV so we counted down to the year 2000 on Alabaster's microwave. Then I was forced to sleep on the living room floor because the bed I had chosen ended up being part of the "orgy room". Good times.

After spending an evening playing obscure drinking games and eating a wide variety of meat, Muffin, Alabaster, Bari Jenn and I attended the pinnacle of American culture.... the State Fair.

I've only been to one other state fair in my life, and that was the first time I went to Alabaster's house upstate. I was sixteen and I had a sunburn so I refused to put a shirt on and Alabaster had to drag me around the state fair in a tennis skirt and a bra. I don't really remember much else about it. If I did, I certainly wouldn't have subjected myself to it again.

I've been through a lot in my life; living out of my car, several near death experiences, jail, bad haircuts, general humiliation.... but nothing could have prepared me for the horror that is a state fair.

That picture up top... the one of "race pigs" speeding around a dirt track... that doesn't even begin to cover it. The pig races were preceded by a pig ventriloquist show, and followed by a pig high dive. Other "amusements" at this fair included rickety fair rides, a variety of fried meats on sticks, and an assortment of filthy animals in sheds.

But by far the most interesting part of the fair was the people attending it. Never in my life have I seen so many mullets... or morbidly obese children wearing clothes from Kmart.... or morbidly obese children wearing clothes from Kmart who had mullets. Absolutely horrifying.

Taking a look around at the "families" at the Copake State Fair, it became very apparent to me that there are parts of this country where Plan B is still not available over the counter. (Tangentially, how ingenious a name is Plan B? I love the implication that Plan A was not being such a ho bag, but that just didn't pan out).

Anyway, after a surreal day at the state fair, I fled upstate as quickly as was humanly possible. I love it up there, but I had gone nearly 24 hours without Starbucks and I was starting to get the shakes.

Labor Day it's self was spent with Anoosh and Bailey, his kid, participating in wildly inappropriate activities, such as going to a petting zoo and a park. Considering that I spent last Labor Day taking nude bong hits on the balcony of some Jewish ibanker on the upper west side... I suppose that qualifies as a step in the right direction.

Of course, I can never really decide if Bailey's extremely mature for his age, or if Anoosh is just extremely immature. I think it may be a combination of the two. I secretly suspect that Bailey isn't his kid at all... Anoosh and he were actually buddies before Anoosh made a wish on Zoltar and was magically transformed into a full grown man overnight, although I have no substantiating evidence of this.

Sadly, things took a turn for the worse with the tragic and unexpected death of that guy who does stuff with crocodiles.

Aside from this enormous loss, however, I'd have to say this Labor Day had it all... petting zoos, pig races, meat on sticks, and a road trip. Who could ask for more?