Friday, September 01, 2006

Love in the Age of Leg Warmers

Let me explain... Figure A above represents what Anoosh has contributed to our relationship. Figure B represents what I have contributed.

This isn’t a metaphor for something more pressing. I don’t mean he’s brought the emotional equivalent of one sad lonely vibrator to our relationship. I mean quite literally, that lone vibrator is his and the rest of the brightly colored, glowing, whirling, multi speed, glitter covered collection is mine.

That’s not the entirety of it either, that’s just what I keep at his place.

This is odd, since I tend to think of him as the more sexually deviant of the two of us, but as I scrubbed our joint collection of sex toys the other evening, I realized that there was actually a profound anthropological discovery being made in his bathroom.

Later that evening (happened to be while Anoosh was telling the couple we had over about seeing Flock of Seagulls live in concert) it hit me.... sex was probably a whole other ball game back in the day.

I’ve been collecting sex toys since I was 17 and worked in a sex shop. I never thought that was odd, because even the most prudish, sexually repressed of my peers have at least one or two vibes to their name. Similarly, I don’t know a single girl who hasn’t at the very least made out with another woman.

These are just basic rites of passage for our generation. As a general rule of thumb, if you grew up wearing slap bracelets, you’ve probably had a threeway.

Vibrators, porn, girl on girl... these things are so common place it never dawned on me that people might still find them taboo. At least, it hadn’t until I really took a good look at the sole sex toy Anoosh had contributed to our collection.

Anoosh is the kind of person I would expect to have a separate apartment filled with sex toys. Maybe a leather bondage bed and a closet full of fetish gear as well. I was almost surprised when the interior of his apartment didn’t look exactly like a Matthew Barney video.

there really is no other explanation than that “back in the day” people just didn’t do things like that.

Seriously, look at that thing.... I see sexual suggestion in almost everything, and to me it just looks like something that I’d use to foam a cappuccino. It’s like one step away from the water powered vibrators they used to cure hysteria in the 1800’s. Where did he even find this thing?

Fifty bucks says it’s his wife’s..... and she bought it in high school..... and she traded two chickens for it.