Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Better Dead than Wed

It is said that the human mind is not capable of conceiving the true nature of God.

My personal belief system dictates that the human mind is incapable of truly understanding how bored I am at work.

Here are 3 jobs which would be LESS boring than mine;

Being a live operator that companies have in lieu of hold music. All I would do is repeat “Please stay on the line for the next available representative” every thirty seconds or so, and maybe hum some classical music.

Sorting M&Ms into color piles.

Being a professional Wall Starer.

When I worked at the spa with Isabelle and her marriage happy sorority sister/room mate, whenever they got bored they would plan their weddings. They’d flip through bridal catalogues; tear out possible dresses, rings, husbands, etc. At the time I couldn’t imagine anything more boring. I long for those days now.

It always brought them such joy though… Maybe I should give it a shot.

Ok, the first thing I would do would be to put a great, big ad in the New York Times so that everyone’s Jewish mom would have something to call their daughters about. It would be a tasteful picture of me, possibly nude, and a tagline that read “Carmela Machiato to Wed Local Man”. If it was someone really special, maybe I’d let them put his name in there too, but probably not.

Then the rest of the announcement would read “Ms. Machiato, 17, will be married this Saturday to Local Man. They will elope to Las Vegas to be married by a midget dressed as Elvis. The couple met while attending Harvard Business School themed happy hour at nearby bar. Ms. Machiato will be married before her younger sister. Wa ha ha.” Oh, and maybe something about my husband’s job if he does something cool, like taxidermy or contract killings.

Then there’s the ring… I want something very tasteful; a white gold skull with rubies for eyes, and diamonds for teeth.

For the dress I’m thinking black leather or lace, maybe both, and a bouquet of dead roses. My bride’s maids can wear red velvet corsets, leather hot pants, fishnets and stilettos. It will be a small and tasteful affair, attended only by members of the wedding party, a few family members, some friends, my cats… and, I imagine, the grooms children.

We’ll write our own vows, and promise to love each other until death, or until one of us gets fat, or we get bored and wander away, and then we’ll make a small, tasteful sacrifice… perhaps a lamb, or a bunny, and then the party!

The reception will be at The Palms. We’ll rent out the roof deck and the pent house floor, and have a totally cute theme party! The theme will be… “Infidelity and Death”.

Every table will have a huge bouquet of white roses as a centerpiece, and everyone will have to wear a skull mask and nothing else. I am kind of a traditionalist, so there will be a band instead of a DJ, and we’ll serve Cornish Hens, filled with cocaine.

After dinner, we’ll serve the seven tiered wedding cake I’ll order from Balthazar, and then the band will play and everyone can do some fun wedding dances, like the Electric Slide and Hands Up, and then the escorts will arrive and the mass orgy can begin. Perhaps as Green Sleeves plays softly in the background.

FYI… I will be registered at Tiffany and Hot Topic.

Wow, that really was a lot more fun than I thought it would be! Those girls were really on to something!

Now all that’s left to do is pick a husband. Let’s see… I’ve always kind of planned on marrying Alabaster, but he says we can’t because gay marriage isn’t legal… which I don’t THINK makes sense, but I guess I can take his word for it.

Who else? I could marry Anoosh. He clearly values the holy institution of marriage just about as much as I do. I could say "Anoosh, I really love you as a person and am totally NOT just doing this 'cause I want you to buy me expensive jewelry and have a big party for me." But what are the odds he'd fall for that? Twice?

So, I guess I’m open. Anyone wanna get married? We could have it annulled the very next day, after we sobered up and went to brunch and everything.

Just throwing it out there.