Thursday, November 02, 2006

Cat Got Your Crotch?

As well we all know, I have some very minor issues with moderation and self control. I think I get it from my mother who likes to collect Mercedes Benz' and glittery faux fur throw pillows. Rather than expressing my addictive personality through twenty new pairs of the same shoe, or an exciting new drug addiction for fall, I've chosen instead to start collecting these cats.

My vestigial sense of right and wrong has been acting up again, so when Nietzsche started to seem lonely,out of guilt I bought his brother to come live with us. It is with great pride, and sad resignation at my inevitable future as "that creepy cat lady", that I welcome Machiavelli. Mac for short.

As I looked at the two of them, curled up in my lap, their demonic little eyes aglow, their reptilian tails whipping about behind them... I knew true happiness. I swear to God, for about two seconds it actually made me want to have babies... deformed, fanged, clawed babies with tails... but babies nonetheless.

That desire pretty much vanished when I woke up at 3:00 in the morning, lifted my covers and found both of them using their claws in an attempt to make more comfortable sleeping arrangements for themselves in my crotch. Thanks guys, but if I wanted to see satanic beasts burrowing into my nether regions, I'd drop some acid like a normal person.

Obviously, Nietzsche and Machiavelli are not the names the breeder gave them. I chose Nietzsche because he was a dark and tortured evil genius, much like my cat, who said "Gaze too long into the void and the void gazes also into you." Isn't that fitting? The breeder named him Jay Jay. Does that cat look like a fucking Jay Jay to you? No.

Machiavelli I chose because he was a manipulative and callus genius, also like my cat, who said "It is better to be feared than to be loved." Obviously, a perfect name. The breeder apparently felt Little Man was a better fit. Little. Man. Where do these people come up with this shit?

The second runners up were Oedipuss and Chairman Meow.

I'm not entirely sure if the crushing monotony of the rest of my life or a genuine love for these cats that has brought this obsession on... probably a mixture of both.

Anoosh said "Having these cats is just like having newborn babies!" Which I expected him to immediately follow with "And it's been really nice knowing you!" But so far, no.

All in all this has been a pleasant, though utterly horrifying experience for me. I feel like I'm turning into my mother. All I want to do is spend the day at home playing with them and taking care of them.

And baking four different kinds of baked good for them.

And then buying a new Benz.