Friday, November 03, 2006

I Just Really Need MySpace Right Now

Well, the kittens seem to be on the mend, and now that there are two of them, they spend the majority of their time playing with each other and ignoring me. Bastards.

In light of this, I’ve realized it may be time to get back to the relationships in my life I’ve given short shrift to since I got the cats... like my relationship with Myspace.

Myspace knows I love it whether I get to spend all of my time with it or not, but I’ve been neglecting it lately and that just isn’t right. Theoretically, Myspace exists so you can reconnect with lost friends and meet exciting new people. Clearly, that is insane. Myspace exists for exactly two purposes: to stalk your exes and to get laid. That’s all, folks.

Personally, I’ve never used it to get laid. I’m not saying I’m above it... lord knows I went on a few Friendster dates in my day. I use Myspace almost exclusively to stalk my exes. I’d feel worse about admitting this if I didn’t know for a fact that 99% of people are using it for exactly the same reason.

If you’re amongst the 1% who doesn’t stalk their exes, you may be asking yourself why I dedicate so much of my time to this activity. It’s not that I regret breaking up, I definitely don’t... were that the case I’d just keep sad, pathetic little reminders and tons of pictures of our failed relationship in my apartment like Anoosh does with his ex-wife. (He says "I keep them... for my son" 'my son' clearly being code for 'to stare at while I masturbate and cry').

And it’s not that I care about them as people... it’s merely that I need to make sure they’re doing significantly worse than they were when we were together. I am happy to report that for the most part they are :) Most of them have put on weight, or are still single and aging poorly... it’s about a million times more validating than any positive relationship could ever be.

There are some exceptions. One guy I dated has a very skinny, large breasted, semi-intelligent looking girlfriend now... and I’d rather have my limbs removed with a rusted knife without anesthesia than accept that. That anomaly aside though, when I look at exes profiles I say to myself "Hmm, put on some weight, way to old to be on Myspace, still single, and pathetically trying to validate himself by having a bunch of hot women he’s definitely never slept with in his Top 8... I WIN." But when they look at my profile, they are forced to say to themselves "Wow, Carmela looks great... so pretty, so happy, so fun... such great taste in music... I’ll never get over her."

There are still a few exes I can’t find on Myspace, and those ones I just pretend are dead. Some of them might be, since theyre not on Myspace. I really want to know what the guy I hung out with for the last two years of high school is doing these days... especially since we hooked up pretty much every week for two years. I guess being able to remember what the hell his name was would help... but all I can remember is what kind of car he drove and the name of the school parking lot where we’d hook up. Sadly, Myspace won’t let me tailor my search that specifically.

I know to non-initiates this may seem like slightly psychotic behavior, but I assure you as exstalkers go I’m actually pretty self-controlled. Isabelle could easily have discovered who really shot JFK, found a definitive explanation for Stonehenge and cured cancer a couple of times over if she put a quarter of the energy into that as she does into stalking her exes. I’ve come home to find her with graphs spread out across the floor tracking the dating habits of her exes across Myspace, Facebook and eerily in-depth Google searches, so in the grand scheme of things I’m not even that nuts about it.

On really slow days, like today, sometimes I’ll even stalk my friend’s exes. That’s not as fun, but it’ll do in a pinch. Then, after hours of research, I get to call my friends up at work and say "Remember that guy you dated for two weeks Junior year of High School who told you he just wasn’t ready for a serious relationship? Well you’ll be happy to know his hairline is now receding and his favorite movie is Sleepless in Seattle!"

To which they usually respond with an extremely appreciative "Carm, I’ve already asked you several times never to call me here again."

And that make sit ALL worth it.