Monday, November 06, 2006

Finally, A Use For Math

This weekend at brunch with Alabaster and Muffin, the conversation turned to (turned to meaning started with, ended with, and consisted solely of) sex talk.

Muffin refused to tell us how many people her boyfriend/boss/some guy has slept with. We all agreed that this was insane, since there couldn’t be any possible reason to keep such information secret… but that’s just how Muffin is… bizarrely secretive about random crap… uh, wait… I mean “considerate of other peoples feelings”.

She did, however, share with us the total number of people she’s slept with, which I will share with you now. It’s three. THREE. Three people in her entire lifetime.

Her lifetime since last weekend? No, her lifetime since birth.

Needless to say, Alabaster and I were a little taken aback, and more than slightly scandalized by this number. I can’t speak for Alabaster, but I personally stopped counting years ago. For a long time I kept meticulous records of this kind of information, but I soon found out the only person who will ever ask you how many people you’ve slept with is a boyfriend, or maybe a gynecologist… and either way, claiming total ignorance is the best defense.

Other than my current one, I’ve only been in one other relationship I would consider “serious” and knowing off hand how many people I had slept with had a severely detrimental effect on that one.

Glaring insufficiencies aside, I’m really happy in my current relationship, and I wouldn’t want it end like that one did. Well, I wouldn’t want it to end at all, but DEFINITELY not the same way that one did. I mean, it couldn’t end EXACTLY the same way… since the doctors agreed I could never lose that much blood again and live… but I’d prefer it not end anything like that one at all.

After brunch though, I started giving the matter serious thought. I wondered if I could still remember every single person I’ve ever had any kind of sexual relationship with. Guess what? I totally can! Guess what else? It’s a ridiculously small number.

I assumed it would be an astronomical sum, merely because I know I’ve thought to my self “Ewww! I can’t believe I just had sex with that guy!!!!” at least a thousand times. But What I came to realize is I was often saying that about the same few people over and over.

I have to admit, I did have a little help producing a definitive list. Deep in the recesses of an old journal, I found a list that had been updated at the end of college, and I only had a few to add thereafter. The tricky part was trying to remember who some of the people on the list were.

I eventually was able to distinguish between the four Joes… the only one that threw me off for a while was the mysterious listing of “Gil”. I feel like sleeping with someone named Gil is the kind of thing you’d remember. Eventually, I realized it actually said G.I.L. as in Guy In Lexus.

So, it’s not three or anything, but it’s not 8,000 like one might think. You want to know what it is? Probably not, but it kind seems like you’re going to keep reading anyway, so I’ll tell you…

No, ok, I’ll spare you! Consider it a little present from me to you. Happy Birthday! I’ll just say I could count all of them on my fingers.

And I’d only need three more hands. Ba da dum chh!

Also, last night I had a dream that I was eating at a restaurant on the beach in southern California, and it seemed very familiar. As I ate, I realized I had eaten in the same restaurant everyday for my entire life. The restaurant was called "It's OK in 66". Weird.