Friday, November 10, 2006

The Martha Stewart of Snooping

This morning Alabaster was telling me about a friend of his who is having some troubles with her boyfriend. Like all women, she questions his fidelity. Like all men, his response is "If I wanted to be with someone else, I wouldn't be with you."

Let's examine this for a moment. I would say that out of the 10,000 people I've been on dates with in my lifetime, 9,997 of them have made that same exact statement, verbatim. Let's be generous and say that only 95% of men cheat. You do the math.

You can handle potential infidelity by talking it out like mature adults, and if you really like hearing "if I wanted to be with someone else, I wouldn't be with you" repeated ad nausea, that's the best way to go. If you actually want to find out what's going on, however, the only thing to do is psychotically stalk your loved one.

Now I've spoken before about Crazy Time and how important a pastime it is for me. It's really more of an initial foray into the world of dating than a means of stalking. Crazy Time is more "getting to know you" type stalking; going through the boxes in the back of their closet, sorting through his porn collection, rooting around under his bed and in the medicine cabinet, etc. Crazy Time is the foreplay of stalking.

Once you're actually dating someone seriously, you can't count on mere Crazy Time findings to clue you in. No, that calls for a little something I like to call... Totally Fucking Bonkers Time.

Totally Fucking Bonkers Time isn't a hobby like Crazy Time, it's a mission with a specific goal. The goal is to find a good reason to end a relationship you're perfectly happy in. If you look hard enough, there's always a reason.

Some guys make it easy for you... they save their computer log in and passwords. I say, if you're stupid enough to trust me to respect your privacy, you really deserve whatever you get.

If they haven't been this foolish, however, breaking in is a lot easier than you might think. First, scan the history to figure out which websites he visits. If he's on any dating websites or addicted to porn... this is can be a gold mine.

Watch him when he signs in to things... you can usually see the password he types in, and most guys use the same password for everything.

The other biggie is his phone. Try to find a quiet hour to yourself to take this one, since theres a lot to do. Showers are good, but while he's sleeping is even better. The first thing you want to do is go through the call log, in going and out going. Write down any repeat numbers that aren't stored with names, and call them from a restricted line.

Text messages are also huge. I don't know a single cheater who doesn't text. Cheating and text messaging are like peanut butter and jelly, I swear to God. Never hurts to go through the stored pictures either.

The best form of phone snooping is going through voice mails. If you do it from his phone, theres a record, but if you call him and his voice mail picks up, all you need do is hit *** and his code (or on some phones # and his code), and you can listen to your hearts content. The saved and skipped ones are usually the most informative.

How do you get his 4 digit code, you ask? Also very easy. 9 times out of 10 it's either 1234, his birthday or the birthday of his child/pet/mother/wife. If it's his wife's birthday, don't even listen to the messages, just dump him.

If it's not any of these... you probably can't get close enough to him while hes checking his messages to see what code he's typing in, but you CAN get close enough to him to see his PIN when he uses the ATM. It's always the same 4 numbers.

If you don't know your boyfriends/husbands PIN number, there is just no hope for you.

Other than those two, theres always Condom Watch. If you use condoms... count them. Are there as many there now as there were the last time you were over? If you don't use condoms... look for some. Any secret stashes under the sink or in a drawer or in his wallet?

Ok, those are the basics, and if you follow my instructions rigidly, you should be able to catch your significant other doing something illegal, illicit or immoral. If you do all of these things and can't prove that he's cheating on you/lying to you/in love with someone else... just accept the fact that you've found an evil genius... and hold onto him, 'cause he's a keeper.