Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Post Depression

It's a very rare occaison that I care about anything that happens in the news. I think at least half of it's made up and the little that isn't is beyond my power to change. So, aside from Sunday Styles in the Times and the occaisional obit, I really have no use for news papers.

It's even rarer that I read the NY Post, which is pretty much just a tabloid they've printed on cheap paper instead of glossy. Although I really do enjoy their impartial commentary on world events. I distinctly remember the headline the day I stopped reading the Post. I think it was "Evil Terrorists Bomb Innocent School Children Just To Be Mean!"

The rediculousness of the statement aside, I think you can safely say that any paper that empoloys exclamation marks in their headlines is pretty much garbage.

Regardless, I do like their crosswords, and this morning as I searched for the daily crossword, the front page story caught my eye. It was about this chick (see above) who had been arrested for trying to extort $125,000 out of some CEO type she was banging. (Of course, the Post refered to him as a "bigwig", whihch I think is some sort of insect. That's how bad the Post is).

Agaisnt my better judgement, I read the story because it is my ultimate lifelong goal to do something SO rediculous that it ends up on the front page of the Post, and since I imagine my story will be in this vein, I thought it might give me some idea of what to look forward to.

As is always the case when I cave and read anything printed in the Post, the entire story made me want to cry. I just want to go find this girl and shake her. So many amateur mistakes!

Let's take a closer look...

Jessica Wolcott (above) extorted Pepsi Bottling Group Executive Vice President Gary Wandschneider, whom she met over the Internet, by threatening to expose his illicit cyber-liaisons to his wife.

So far, so good.

"I'm sure this will be an unpleasant surprise. I'm sure when your wife finds out that you've been looking for a fill-in for her . . . it will be unpleasant for her, too," Jessica Wolcott, 22, e-mailed multimillionaire exec Gary Wandschneider, 54, in August.

Ok, that's a little heavy handed there, Jess. How about a nice simple "Hey babe, haven't connected in a while. Hope all is well :) Saw an amazing pair of Manolo Blahnik's today that would look so cute on me! My best to the wife and kids. xoxox, J". It's simple, it's sweet, and it gets the point across without exposing your rampant dad issues.

Wolcott eventually got the funds transferred to her online account - but only after Wandschneider alerted the FBI, which provided the money and set up a sting to nail her.

Heh heh. Nail her.

When Wandschneider learned her name from FBI agents, he told them he had met her last February through the craigslist.org Web site. A month later, after exchanging e-mails and photos, he met her at a Mount Kisco bar.

Wow, what CAN'T you find on Craigslist, you know? But maybe when he suggested meeting at a Mount Kisco bar, it should have dawned on her that this guy did not like to part with his cash unnecessisarily. It's fucking MOUNT KISCO. I wouldn't even stop at a stop light in Mount Kisco.

The Ridgefield, Conn., man also copped to giving her $30,000 shortly after that meeting because she told him she needed to pay debts.

Ok, I can see how she thought this was going to work out. I distinctly remember back in college when I was dating some Bear Stearns higher up, meeting up with him at a club and him telling me our cocktail waitress was a really "nice girl".

I asked him what that meant and he said "You know, she's a sweetheart. I like to help her out." Like, help her out with the really tough questions on her homework? No, like pay for four of her abortions. FOUR OF HER ABORTIONS. What a sweetheart!

It's pretty much impossible to witness something like this without a giant, evil lightbulb going off over your head. But maybe after he shelled out the $30,000, she should have moved on. No need to get greedy. There are OTHER people who work at Pepsi.

Phenominally, the Post included a quote from this guys wife...

But his wife, Dana, said, "I can't wait for her to be sentenced. You know, extortion is a bad thing."

I don't know about you, but I find it hard to believe anyone could be dissatisfied being married to an intellectual giant like this woman.

When Wandschneider first received an anonymous threatening e-mail on his office computer from Wolcott, she told "Gary" that she knew he had used his work e-mail account on a Web site that catered to wealthy men trying to meet attractive women, court records say.

And yet, no mention of what this website where wealthy men troll for hot chicks might be. Damn you, NY Post!!!

"I'm sure [Pepsi Bottling] would be very proud to have an employee with such high morals," she wrote. "I don't like cheaters, not at all, men like you become my profession . . . You think you can just [throw] money at some young girl . . . who needs it because you are in a better position and use it to get sex?"

Well thank God she went out of her way to disorove this horrible, oppressive stereotype. Way to take the moral highground, sweetie.

I think what drives me the most insane about all of this is that I so easily could have done a better job on this one. I'm cuter and smarter... I could be sitting pretty with that $125,000 in the bank and the guy would still LOVE me.

What a cold, cruel world.