Thursday, December 07, 2006

Bi-Curious George

This morning I began my day at work much in the same way I begin everyday... looking for jobs on Craigslist.

Usually I just look in the "ETC" section, becuse I'm an et cetera kind of person. Like if someone were to ask me what field I was interested in working in... law, medicine, business, hospitality.... et cetera? I would pick et cetera everytime. There's just something so unique and... latin about it.

Anyway, most of the jobs on there are of zero interest to me... things like dog walking or promoting comedy clubs... you know, jobs for hippies. But every once in a while there'll be something that looks intriguing like "Get paid $500 just to take this survey on ice cream flavors!" Or "Let us harvest your eggs so some barren couple can incubate a science baby!" I'm paraphrasing here.

The one I saw this morning sounded awesome, except I had no idea what half of it meant. The headline was "Beautful Women: Make your Own Hours!" How great does that sound? I'm a beautiful woman... and I love makig my own stuff! It sounded so arts and craftsy, how could I resist?

So the body of the ad was something like "Midtown agency looking for attractive young women for all shifts. We cater to upscale businessmen looking for the GFE."

Huh? Ok, so this is some sort of... catering service? No, ok, obviously I knew it was an escort service, but what was this elusive GFE that these men are looking for? Apparently it was very valuable to them, so I thought it warented a bit of research.

A quick look through the erotic serives section helped me emensely. A lot of other posters were also looking for this GFE character, but no one mentioned what the fuck it was. They were all "In search of the ultimate GFE" "Looking for a great girl offering GFE". I started to feel like Harry Potter, trying to riddle out the cryptic message in his egg to get to the next level of the TriWizard Championship.

I thought maybe I could figure it out on my own... Gooey Finger Epidemic? Doubtful. Grand Father Emporium? Maybe....

Finally, one post said "500 Roses for a great GFE (Girl Friend Experience)". Success!

So THAT'S what was worth the extra cash... or "roses" or what have you. The "Girl Friend Experience". So simple! Except... what the fuck is a girlfriend experience? It sounds like some sort of fantastic ride in the Magic Kingdom. Step right up and check out Disney's latest addition! The magical, mystical Girl Friend Experience! That made sense. I would totally pay extra for that.

After a more thurough investigation... and no, to answer your question, I really do not have anything better to do with my time at work... I came to find that a "girl friend experience" means that, for an hour or two, you act like you're the guys girlfriend, instead of just some chick who's hanging out with him for money... what the difference between those two things is, no has been able to sufficiently explain, but that's another story all together.

So, that's all these guys were looking for? Wow guys, look no further! For $500 an hour I could definitely offer you an eerily lifelike girl friend experience. I could come over, lay on your couch, watch Scrubs, maybe order some sushi. Then we could zone each other out while we complaned about our respective jobs... and then I could pass out unfulfilled while you checked your emails. That's a thousand bucks right there! And just to think, I've been giving this amazing "girlfriend experience" away for free all this time like a sucker!

Just as I was about to embark on my exciting new career, I noticed that this "Total GFE" includes sex. Not quite as easy as I thought.

With this knowledge, I went back and looked through Craigslist again, and lo and behold, it turns out it's true. Top dollar in the sex industry these days is going to the whores who can act the LEAST like whores. Bizarre.

In addition the GFE listings, there was also a barrage of guys looking for "non-pros". Just to clarify, that means they are looking for a girl who IS NOT a hooker, who will have sex with them for money. Is that too much to ask for?

That's when it became crystal clear for me exactly what is going wrong in this city. Women are looking for men who treat them well and love them... as exemplified by calling them and wanting to spend time with them, without being clingy and needy... as exemplified by calling them and wanteing to spend time with them. And the men are looking for women who will have sex with them for money but who aren't whores.

I think this is going to work out really well for everyone involved.