Friday, January 05, 2007

Another Sucky Year of Death

I know I’ve neglected my blog for a while now, and for that I would like to apologize.

Between quitting my job, getting in to Columbia and traveling I haven’t had a moment to blog. But now that things have calmed down a bit, I promise never to neglect my loyal fans (mom) ever again. That will be my new New Years resolution!

I need a new one anyway since I just broke my original one.

In 2005, my new years resolutions were to not have any cocaine induced orgies with married investment bankers, and to quit smoking, both of which I managed to follow through with by summer.

This year my new years resolutions were to learn more about poison, and to make it through another year without meeting Anoosh’s wife. I haven’t learned a thing about poison and I just ran into Anoosh’s wife.... and not with a car, like in my fantasy.

I was walking down to get my cell phone fixed at the shack where Anoosh purchased it, which is right next to her lair. I figured it would be safe since she theoretically has a job of some sort... ritualistically bathing in the blood of slaughtered virgins... or selling real estate or something.

Just as I was nearing the store, little Bailey popped out of the bodega on the corner and excitedly said “Hi Carmela!” Being the mature and confident young woman that I am, I handled the situation with the utmost composure; I bolted around the nearest corner and vomited in the gutter, twice.

Then I cleaned up, waited what I was sure was long enough for Bailey and Wrinkly McFaketits to have left, and walked back around the corner.... just in time to all but walk into her.

Time stopped as I gazed into the gaping void of soullessness behind her droopy, crows feet surrounded eyes.

AWKWARD! How awkward? Somewhere between farting really loudly during sex, and exchanging filthy explicit e-mails with a stranger in a chat room only rto meet up with them at the local motel to find it's your dad. And closer to the second one.

We gave each other smiles so fake I’m fairly certain they would have gained us instant admission to my sisters sorority.

Then she said “You may be with Anoosh now, but I’ll always be the mother of his child, and there’s nothing you can ever do to compete with that, silly girl!” And laughed, maniacally.

Well, actually, she said “Hi.” But that’s what she meant.

I said “Well, that may be so but I’ll always be hotter, younger, more fun and better in bed, while you wasted the entirety of your youth in a doomed marriage and have nothing to show for it except a plastic nose and wrinkles.” Of course, it may have sounded more like “Hey.”

Then we stared each other down for a few seconds, before my eye started twitching and I had to excuse myself.

Then I smoked my first cigarette in six months. Then I bought a pack and a quart of Ben and Jerry’s.

It’s gonna be a good year.