Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Big Bigisms

Sooo… due to (inexplicable) requests for me to open my blog back up to the public (requests from people including but not limited to my mom and dad, I might add), I have decided to do just that.

I haven’t written anything in a long time for a variety of reasons. Some personal, some political... all imaginary. Anyway, now it’s back and Ill probably contribute to it on a semi regular basis.

I’ve had a lot of misadventures since last I posted, but I cant share them with you all just quite yet because of... reasons. But rest assured, they will soon be available to you, and they’re at least 37% more ridiculous than my previous exploits.

What better way to get back into the blog writing spirit than to share with you some words of great and zen-like wisdom? And who better to turn to for this than my favorite fodder supplier, my sister Big Big.

Now, just to refresh your memories, Big Big is my baby sister. Alabaster gave her the name Big Big.It’s short for Big Big Moron. Though she is an intelligent girl, she says what are, by far, some of the stupidest fucking things ever said by anyone in the history of life on earth. Just so you know Im not exaggerating... the image above is of her right after she was "hit by an epiphany".

My lack of blogging has kept me from sharing with a wider audience some of her more recent Big Bigisms. Let me correct that right now.

On Father’s Day (aka, the only day of the year I cant get a date to save my life), Big Big picked me up in her giant BMW a mere half an hour late, and managed to double park her car in a way that both prevents other drivers from getting by AND pedestrians from passing her. I open the passenger side to see what looks a girl who was beaten within an inch of her life, deprived of sleep and makeup removal for a week, dipped in liquor and put behind the wheel of a luxury vehicle. The first thing she slurred at me was "you have to drive."

This was just as well, because to sit in the passenger seat, I would have had to remove the plastic Burger King tray that she had stolen because her take out order was too massive for the paper bags alone to support. The ride started off well enough, with her sleeping and snoring loudly, but eventually she regained consciousness as she always does.

Apparently, she was quite hungry when she woke up because she reached in to her giant Channel purse and pulled out a back of Chinese food take out ribs. I guess the bright red goo they marinate those in wasn’t quite tasty enough for Big Big, because she followed this by reaching back in to her purse and pulling out a bottle of BBQ sauce. Already knowing it was a mistake, I asked her "Big, are you eating ribs on the way to dinner?" Her response was "Because I felt like eating something... Which reminds me, I wanted to ask you... have you ever tried eating someone’s ass?" After careful consideration, I answered "No... and PLEASE tell me that’s not why you have BBQ sauce in your bag."

Eventually, talked turned to her budding relationship with her new boyfriend Stu. She was explaining how she felt uncomfortable because they were nearing that point in the relationship where they had to have 'the talk'. "I’m scared," Big told me "How do I go about having ‘the talk?’".I spent the next 20 minutes explaining to her different ways she could approach the subject, and aside from the occasional pause to devour a rib whole, she gave me her rapt attention. When I was done with my speech she asked me... "Ok, great, but... What if I forget?" "What if you forget which part?" "What if I forget to bring it up?"

Not really sure what type of response this warranted I said "Well, if you forget to bring it up, you probably didn’t care that much in the first place." She thought about this for several moments, and said "Remind me later I’m not wearing any underwear."

Later in the summer, Alabaster and I decided to go out to dinner with Big. The day before we tried to decide on a mutually agreeable restaurant, when Big informed us...

Big: It has to be somewhere Atkins friendly, because Im on Atkins as of today.
Alabaster: Ok, how about sushi, and you can have sashimi?
Big: Eww,no. I cant eat sushi. Water animals bug me out.
Me: Whats a water animal?
Big: You know, like fish.
Me: Big, that’s not a water animal...its an entirely different species of being.
Big: Well, what is a perfect acronym for fish if not water animal?
Me: What?!?
Alabaster: No, lets explore this... Big what qualifies as a water animal? Do seals? Do crabs? Does Kevin Costner in Waterworld? Does a wet puppy? Does a mermaid?
Big: Whatever. Im not eating sushi.

We select an Atkins friendly restaurant, and a mer e 15 minutes late, Big strolls in... pouring Pringles from the can into her mouth.
Me: What happened to Atkins?
Liz: It didn’t make me skinny. Besides, I don’t have to diet or go to the gym, I have a boyfriend. Anyway, theres this new book that just came out. I want to buy it, but it’s like, really expensive.
Alabaster: So, why don’t you just take it out of the library?
Big: No way! I have no idea what’s on those books!
Alabaster: What would be on a library book?
Big: Well, you know, like, when youre reading a book and you pick your nose, and then you use that finger to turn the page?
Me and Alabaster: stunned silence.
She then ordered a large bowl of rice, and a bowl of bread for dinner.

Finally, Big called me when I was in the Hamptons for the weekend...

Big: Im really scared.
Me: Why? Did you see a water animal?
Big No, you know how I eat in my sleep all the time?
Me: Um, no.
Big: Well, I do, and last night... I ate a Tide spot remover stick.
Me: well, if it was going to effect you it probably would have by now. But did you ever think about doing something about the fact that you sleep eat?
Big: No... I think its totally normal that I cant make it through the night on an empty stomach.
Me: Well, maybe you should keep healthy snacks by your bed than. Because even if whatever you eat next isn’t poisonous, itll probably be really caloric.
Big: No, I don’t have any food in the house that has chlorine in it.
Big’s Coworker: Big, what was that clients name from this morning?
Big: Oh, it was Hmmmm Blahblahblah.
Coworker: Excuse me?
Big: It was Hmmm Blahblahblah.
Coworker: What?
Big (very aggravated): Ugh, I cant pronounce his name so Im just mumbling.
Me: Big, do you need to go?
Big: No, whatever. So what’s even worse is I got a parking ticket last ngiht for NO reason.
Me: Well, where’d you park?
Big: Right in front of my building!
Me: You mean, in the taxi stand?
Big: No, there were, like, a million other cars parked right there!
Me: Were those other cars... Taxis?
Big: Oh...

I could go on, but frankly Im developing carpel tunnel from this. Ill leave you, as Big left Alabaster and me after dinner, with this parting thought.. "Awwww... I love when dogs pee!"