Tuesday, April 22, 2008


For far too long, I’ve neglected my blogging. I do, however, have an excellent excuse. I haven’t been able to write lately because of... reasons.

Now that we’ve cleared that up, let me say that this Passover weekend was completely inspirational. This was due largely to spending an extended period of time with my sister, Big Big.

As well we all know, Passover celebrates the day when the Angel of Death descended from heaven and slaughtered all the non Jewish babies! And also, to quote the haggadah, to celebrate the day when god “led us out of the house of bondage”. I don’t know how god did that... but my guess would be he agreed to pay our rent so we wouldn’t have to work there anymore.

After spending Passover with Big, it became clear that while the Angel of Death spared the Jewish babies, it would seem that the Angel of Brains may have skipped over a few Jewish households as well. To remind you, Big Big established herself as the star of the Seder last year by asking if Gefilte fish had fish in it. This year, she really outdid herself.

Before the Seder at my cousins house, Big Big and I decided to honor this holiday by making a pilgrimage to the holy land... Woodbury Commons. The car ride up was pretty much what you’d expect... Big drove her massive BMW at unheard of speeds while applying makeup, texting, and, of course, rapping.

The highlight of the day was when we went into Ralph Lauren, and Big walked up to an older, well dressed gentleman, got between him and the jacket he was looking at and said “Where’s the children’s section?”. After his shock wore off, he explained to Big “Um, I don’t work here”, to which Big responded by rolling her eyes in disgust and saying “Oh. My bad” as she wandered off to assault more customers.

At the Seder, Big continued her streak of brilliance. First she told us the guy she’s dating, we’ll cal him Stu, had complimented her. “Stu told me I have a great ass... just like Kim Kardashian’s! No... wait... I told him that”.

Later in the evening, she retreated to my cousin’s porch to partake in the traditional Passover joint smoking. My mother walked out during this, and being the strict disciplinarian that she is, asked Big Big “Are you at least going to eat some of the chocolate cake I made after you finish that joint?” Big Big nodded. I took this opportunity to remind my mother that generally when you find your daughter doing drugs at a family holiday you’re supposed to reprimand her or give her some sort of warning. My mother processed this for a minute, turned to Big Big and said “You know... by the time you get back down stairs, there won’t be any ice cream left.”

For me, the icing on the unleavened cake was when I was driving home with my father and I mentioned to him that mom had been talking to me about her will a lot lately. I asked if there was something I should know, like maybe she was suffering from some horrible illness. My father, not wanting me to worry, explained “No, mom’s totally fine. I, however, could go at any minute. You should probably be prepared to grab the wheel.”

All in all, Passover went better than I expected. Fortunately for me, that’s the last major Jewish holiday of the year.