Friday, June 02, 2006

Are You Calling Me Fat?!?

As many of you know, one of my favorite pastimes is accusing people of calling me fat.

When people dont know me well, they tend to find this a little jarring, especially since it usually comes out of nowhere. Once they get used to it, however, most people tend to adopt it into their own lives.

This occasionally leads to severe misuse. Having more experience than anyone else in this arena, I thought I should offer some helpful tips.

First of all, not EVERYTHING people say is an accusation of obesity. Just MOST things. For example, if someone asks you for the time, you cant justify turning around and screaming Are you calling me fat?!? because time has nothing to do with being fat. However, if they ask you if you happen to know where the nearest Chinese restaurant is, thats game on.

Secondly, sometimes people really ARE euphemistically calling you fat, and those times are no goes as well. Like if someone says Gee, havent been to the gym much lately, have you? You dont ask them if theyre saying youre fat, you just punch them right in the face.

The whole essence of the game is to come up with really esoteric explanations for why someone has implied that you have a weight problem. Just to get you started off on the right path, here are some more subtle (but still extremely offensive) ones Ive heard

Youre looking really healthy these days. (healthy = fat)
You know what I like about you? You have such a womanly figure. (womanly = fat)
Wow, youre so broad-minded. (broad = fat)
They really broke the mold when they made you. (broke the mold with all my fat.)
You really like to rock the boat, dont you? (the boat rocks under the crushing weight of my fat)
Youre such a man-eater. (I can eat an entire man, because Im fat)
Arent you hungry? (I need to eat all the time because Im fat.)
Youre a great big sister (great, big= fat)
And my personal favorite,
You look really skinny! (As opposed to how I normally look; fat.)