Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Bi Now, Gay Later

You guys know what this weekend is? That’s right! It’s Gay Pride.

This is the weekend when all the most young, attractive men in the city clog the streets and the clubs and the Starbucks and hit on each other and ignore me. How this is different from any other weekend in the city, I have yet to determine.

The parade is on Sunday, and all the gays I know (and most of the straights, for that matter) will be celebrating by getting wasted and having sex with strangers… which is why Gay Pride Week is unofficially followed by Gay Shame Week.

Personally, I’ll be hanging out in the Hamptons until the whole thing blows over.

You wanna hear something really sad? I was IN the gay pride day parade once. It was sophomore year of high school, I had just gotten my great, big female sign ankle tattoo. I never really thought I was gay per se, I suppose I thought I was “bi”.

Then one day, I had an epiphany… bisexuality doesn’t even exist.

It’s a complete myth. Here’s why:

Men who are “bi” are gay. I’m sorry, but if you’re into sex with men, you’re gay. There’s no two ways about it. Bi is just a transitional stage between “I’m just a late bloomer” and “meet my life partner Phil”.

Bisexuality for men just is the last local stop on the express train to Fagsville.

Women who are “bi” are straight. Take a look at these two bimbos. They are making out with each other, yes, but is there any doubt in anyone’s mind that they are anything other than drunk straight girls? If you’re a guy and you’re dating a girl who claims to be bi… why don’t you wait and see how bi she is once there’s a ring on her finger.

Bisexuality for women is just a means of landing men.

Now, don’t get me wrong, fucking around with members of the same sex is a great way of saying “Hey world, I’m privileged and jaded and so bored with existence I have to resort to deviant sexuality just to entertain myself” and of course I’m all for declarations of that kind. But bisexuality isn’t something you can rally behind, or have pride in.

Sure, if the kitchen’s out of beef, I’ll have the fish course rather than go home hungry. And who doesn’t like a little surf n’ turf now and then to spice things up? But bisexual? I don’t think so. Come on people; let’s face facts here.

Incidentally, I now officially identify myself as a “buy-sexual”, which means I’m attracted to members of both sexes, mostly when they buy me things.