While sifting through my trashed G-mails at work, I came across this gem that I had totally forgotten about.
I totally forgot that I had initially formatted my dating life as a game show. I called it Survivor: Date Carmela, and it ran for three seasons until it stopped being funny.
This is a sample e-mail from that time- edited slightly. Oh, the waves of nostalgia I'm feeling right now!
This week, on Survivor: Date Carmela, expect the unexpected as another suitor is eliminated from the Jdating pool...
Saturday night I went our with Scott.... Well, actually we stayed in, and get this....
[THIS CONTENT HAS BEEN OMITED TO AVOID MY SENSELESS BEATING]
Last weekends date was a total disaster- I went out with creepy, iBanking Jason. He took me to TAO. The highlight was when he asked me what I thought of him after I was too drunk to sensor, and I said "well, you're kind of a tool". Fortunately he's 39, and had no idea what that meant. He asked "Is that a good thing?" So I said "Um, yeah."
Meanwhile, on Friday, there was a guest appearance from last seasons show.... Black Amex re-emerged by calling me and asking me when he could see me again. Seriously, it took this loser a freaking month to come crawling back? That's WAY too long. I'm looking at a two to three week turnover, and here we are, well into season two. I told him very sweetly that he could see me on Sunday if he either a) took me out of the country, or b) took me to dinner at Nobu. Totally unphased, he agreed. I told him Id be double booking him just incase he fell through.
Sunday rolled around and I blew off Black Amex for One Nut.
We started off by antiquing around the lower east side, shopping for apartment accessories (but wait, it gets WAY gayer than that).
We went back to his place and we veged and watched TV. Eventually O.N. disappeared into his bedroom for a few minutes. He pops his head out and says he has something to show me... I reluctantly follow him into the room where I see a dozen red votive candles burning around his bed. I cover my mouth because I know if I laugh it will totally scar him for life. THEN he whips out a bottle of Strawberry Champagne scented body oil and asks if he can give me a massage! I lay face down on the bed so that when I start laughing, all he really sees is my shoulders convulsing. I've never been quite so sure I DIDN'T want to sleep with someone.
Before the "sensual massage" starts, he goes over to the computer, and turns on SHANIA FUCKING TWAIN. This is how 41 year old men seduce women! Can you believe imagine!?!? O.N. starts rubbing my back... but apparently one of his candles was a little too close to the bed because the next thing I know, he's is flailing about, desperately trying to put out a massive pillow bonfire.
What was a I supposed to do? I started laughing, eventually I started shaking I was laughing so hard. Poor thing is trying to put out this fire and the tears are streaming down my face. He's all "you think this is funny!? That was a Frette pillowcase, it cost me a hundred freakin dollars!" CLASSIC.
That pretty much killed what I suppose could be referred to as "the mood". Later in the evening, I awoke to find him watching me sleep. This was a light date and I only scored a box of chocolates, a pair of earings, a pearl necklace, a silk bathrobe and a Jdate tee-shirt (by far the prize of my collection so far).
Monday, I stumble into work trying to decided who gets the axe and who wins the prize (just to remind you, the prize is my undying love and infinite affection for two to three weeks), when who should call me but Adam! That's two guest stars in one week!
He rambled on and on about how shocked he was when I dumped him, blah blah blah. I very politely told him he got what he deserved for not paying attention to me every second of his every day. Sorry buddy, you snooze, you lose. There are plenty of other people who manage to buy me dinner on a Saturday night even if they ARE supposed to be watching their kid. Some people....
So, after much thought and consideration, I have decided that.....dun dun DUN.... Jason has to be voted off the island. Big round of applause for O.N. and Scott!!!
Good night folks, Ill be here all week!
