Monday, October 08, 2007


Now that my fast decline to Creepy Old Cat Lady is no longer being decelerated, I feel that I may soon have to return to my favorite diet.

Coming from giant fat people and a variety of eating disorders, it should come as no surprise that I have extensive experience with diets. Only one (aside from bulimia) has ever rendered halfway decent results, and thusly I plan on returning to this one immediatly.

My choice to opt for a rigid diet as opposed to just trying to eat well was prompted by a recent trip grocery shopping (or as Cowboy Sex Angel used to call it, Super Market Shopping!). Whenever I unpack a bag of groceries, Im forced to realize that I really only buy two categories of food: non-food and cry-for-help food.

Non-food consistes of Single Jewish Girl staples such as miso soup packets, celery, non-fat yogurt and diet soda. I usully get a good two to three bags of that stuff; food that allows you to go through the motions of eating without actually having to consume anything. Then I get a bag or two of cry-for-help food, which is essentially the stuff you eat when you get back from a horrible date or have had a bit too much to drink and youre having a I-want-to-destroy-my-body-so-Ill-have-an-explanation-for-why-no-one-loves-me. This consists of... pretty much all the food I was raised on: ice cream, mac and cheese, deep fried lard wrapped in bacon dipped in sugar, etc. It gets hidden behind the non-food in the fridge incase people come over.

It’s depressing to purchase these items, and more importantly it’s expensive. Thus... my decision to return to my favorite all-time diet. It’s way cooler than Atkins and South Beach combined, and it's twice as effective. I call it The J-diet!

It’s a real breakthrough, and I ultimately plan on writing a book about it just as soon as I’m emaciated enough for the jacket photo.

What’s so amazing and unique about The J-diet is that you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want... just so long as someone on J-date buys it for you! Sound too good to be true? It isn’t. I went on the J-diet for 6 months and lost 30 pounds! This was back when I worked at Bergdorfs.A sample day on the J-diet looked like this...

Breakfast: leftover rock shrimp tempura from Nobu. Lunch: French onion soup during lunch date at Rue 57. Snack: 3 dirty martinis at Fredericks. Dinner: spring rolls and dumplings at TAO. Dessert: a CFO from Darrien. God, this diet is brilliant AND delicious!

The reason for my imminent return to this cheap and healthy way of life is threefold: A) I see now that I’m going to die alone and don’t want to die alone AND fat. B) I’m totally jealous of Alabaster and his insane weight loss, and most importantly C) people have been calling me fat A LOT lately. Like, more so than usual. Here are some of the more vicious examples...

My sister, referring to me, informed me “no one buys the cow when they can get the mild for free.” OUCH!! Obviously, she thinks I’m fat. Fat as a cow! It’s not like she said, I don’t know... no one buys the bean pole when they get the beans for free! Then she made a desperate attempt to backtrack and say she didn’t MEAN to imply that I was fat... merely that I was a huge slut that no one would ever marry, but I told her the damage was done, and there was no point in trying to make it sound like a compliment at this point.

Some waiter this week had the nerve to say to me “would you be interested in seeing the dessert tray?” That DICK! He may as well have said “Do you want to see a tray of lard and sugar? I bet you do, Fatty Fattenstein.”

Other atrocities this week have included being told... I’m “too much”, that I “haven’t changed a bit since High School”, that I “seem like a man-eater"... and perhaps the worst of all.. that I have “a lot on my plate right now”.

I hear you LOUD and CLEAR guys... it's Diet Coke and toothpast from here on out.