Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Big Big Birthday Bash

Today, January 15th, is a very important day for the family Machiato... it is my sister Big Big's birthday. Or, as I think of it, the day everyone stopped paying attention to me. Or, as Big Big thinks of it, the 15th day of her month long self-involvement festival. It's a very big day... Woodbury Commons closes in order to celebrate, and a small shrine is erected at the Westchester Mall where people can go worship Big Big in effigy.

The first celebratory event I was forced to participate in was her models and bottles event at some club in midtown. Now, bear in mind that ig Big was the social chair of her jappy-jew sorority, so no birthday celebration would be complete without her 3,000 best friends, all of whom look and act exactly like her. I can't remember who any of them are aside from one named Becky... and thus I refer to all of them as Becky.

All the Becky's were at Big Big's party. There was Room Mate Becky, who is very nice, and then there was Blonde Becky who is very short and didn't stay very long, then there was Other Becky who I think is named Rachel.

Part two of the celebration was this evening when we went out for a family dinner. Big Big, who can spend $5,000 on a purse the size of an egg without batting an eye, has such a refined palette that the only foods she can eat are Chinese and McDonalds. Thus, her birthday dinner was at Joe's Shanghai in Chinatown. Famously, this is the restaurant where Big held her soup filled dumpling up to her ear to see if she could hear the ocean. Tonight she gave us a repeat performance.

On the candle shoved in an orange which passed for her birthday cake, Big wished for a boyfriend to buy her an i-touch.

This, although there is heavy competition, may be the dumbest thing she said tonight. Because... if she had a boyfriend she wouldn't need to wish for an i-touch she could just ASK for one... and a boyfriend isn't something you wish for, it's something you achieve by suppressing your scary creepy jappy side for the first few months of dating.

It's a skill most of have acquired... yet Big fails to understand why telling a guy what you're going to name your future children might not be the best thing to bring up on a first date. Or why asking a guy to rub your tummy until you fall asleep might be a bit intimate to request in a restaurant. Or that some might find it a bit off-putting if you ask them to put on surgical gloves before feeling you up. I knew she was in trouble when she explained she couldn't sleep with a guy she'd been dating for two months because she didn't know when last he'd been tested.

I assumed she meant the Series 7, but... no.

Big seemed to enjoy round two of her birthday celebration... that's her in the picture at the top displaying how she can "totally look totally Arabian!" The "Arabian" part being a clear indicator that her exposure to foreign politics is limited to the Disney version of Aladin.